I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize