ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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