Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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