i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
