what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
