Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
