the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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