you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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