I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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