Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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