We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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