god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
