I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
