Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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