what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
