Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
