And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize