my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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