made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
