would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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