I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
