so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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