just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize