I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
