it was like his penis was on wheels.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
