I will die if light touches me.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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