Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
