the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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