no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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