Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
