My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
