So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
