Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
