Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
