I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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