he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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