my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
