I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
