I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Text me some of your sweat
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