forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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