I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
