I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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