i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
