Don't make out with my wife yet
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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