I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
