Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
