tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
