True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just want to make out with him forever
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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