You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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