He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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