Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She told me I should be a condom model.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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