I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He felt like a one man threesome
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
