woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
