do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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