Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
