I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
