My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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