Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
