I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
