I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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