I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
