I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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