Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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